Why?

Adoption & Loss go hand in hand. I know this, and I also know that losing a child is the hardest trial anyone could go through. Recently July 11 we lost a precious child in our family. His name was Jacob Ryan, and he was just 11yrs old. The first thing you ask is "Why?" Why does this happen? Seeing his parents, my cousin & his wife go through this is very unbearable. I couldn't imagine being in their shoes. Seeing my Uncle who I have always seen as strong & able to fix anything break down to pieces over the loss of his grandson, hit me like a dagger in my heart. Then there is Molly, Jacob's sister, who you just want to scoop up & protect from anymore hurt. Jacob's death came out of left field & baffled everyone. Even my father. I have had an estranged relationship with my father for quite some time. To see him cry & hold me & my cousin who he helped raise, was overwhelming. Seeing everyone come together for Karen & Scotty was amazing. I was there for them, but when I left I had to let it out & cry. I haven't cried like that in a year, when we lost Andrew. All these feelings came out from losing Jake (my stepdad), my estranged relationship with my Dad, & the biggest pain losing Andrew. Then this tragedy, I never thought the last time I saw Jacob's face would be the last. When Scotty called me that morning he was hysterical & when he said the words I hit the floor. I could barely understand him, but all I wanted to do is run to him. He just said I couldn't & to just begin calling the family. I hated hanging up that phone with him. It all came rushing back b/c I have heard those same words before. Jake is gone, how can I be recieving this call again? I couldn't get to my Mother & she sounded so helpless. I didn't know what to do next, my mind was just in shock. I had to pull myself together & get us all there for him. I began with my brothers, my Mom, and then just got in the car drove until one of my family members was home. I drove around for an hour bawling lost, but had Angela who wouldn't let me go on the phone. I finally arrived at my Uncle's house & we notified everyone from there. I had lost all my family's numbers b/c I had a new phone. We got us all together with Karen's family. Later that evening we went back to their house for the first time, and that was sooo hard. I just wanted to give them their little boy back. Life can change in an instant, so we must hold on to what we got. It's hard to move on, but it's what has to be done....

Another Why?

Last summer we recieved a call that we were selected for a baby boy by a birthmother. This birthmother was so shy & she barely spoke on the phone. She was very docile. We met in person & took her & the birthfather to lunch the day before the placement of her baby. I saw his face in pictures on a digital camera. He had some cheeks :) We were all set for the next day at noon when she was going to hand him over to me & say her goodbyes. She hadn't held him yet, and to this day I don't know if she ever did. She was scared. She asked questions about how we would raise him & such. She then asked me his name? I said you haven't named him, she said she wanted us to. So we told her Andrew Joseph. She loved it. I kept thanking her for this sacrifice. I looked her in the eye & promised I would love him for her & take care of him. We took some pictures together & hugged thinking that tomorrow both of our lives will change forever. But that day never came. After lunch Dallas & I drove back home excited & couldn't believe it. My Mom & I went shopping for some last minute stuff & we were waiting for the phone call for his formula type he was on. I kept waiting & waiting. It was about 6pm when the phone rang & I was sterilizing bottles & nipples. When I answered the phone I knew something was wrong. They asked for Dallas to get on the line & we had a conference call with our agency director of domestic adoptions. Explaining they were postponing placement. My heart dropped. Some of his blood tests came back, he was very ill. As the weekend went on his condition was worsening, but on the outside I was told he was a happy baby. I just wanted to get to him, hold him, love him..Let him know I was there aching for him. Ofcourse the agency felt best we didn't see him. I now was faced with a possibility of parenting a child with very severe medical needs or walk away. My heart told me to parent, b/c if I gave birth to him it wouldn't matter. Noone understood my heart except Rose, Dallas & his Mom. Everyone was saying there will be others, not meant to be, & so forth. I kept saying she chose me to be his Mom, I didn't know how to walk away & I promised his birthmother. Now we don't want him, Is that how she feels? I broke her heart & my promise. That haunts me that I never got or gave her closure. I have never spoke to her again & tell her how I much I loved & wanted him. Then the feeling of I abandoned him, when the going got tough we ran, b/c it was an adoption. Not biological, an adoption & we had that choice. My case worker actually made the final decision & told me they would match him with a medical special needs family. Which is where he went, but that is all I know. I couldn't help but question God "Why, bring us that close & take it all away" Then I look at Joseph & no matter how much pain & guilt I feel for Andrew, I know he was brought to me for a purpose to meet the family that he needed & Joseph was cooking away waiting to be born into our family. I couldn't imagine life without either of my boys. Then sitting behind Scotty & Karen at the service, I just kept thinking this could of been us. We were hours away from signing the papers & bringing him home. Then they played He's my son & we all lost it. God has his plan & although we may not understand it, we just have to endure it. I never take each moment for granted now. Life is precious, and full of unexpected trials & tribulations. You never know how you get through, but you do one day at a time. Then in the end you are a stronger person to have made it through. Dedicated to Scotty, Karen, & Molly...I love you, lean on each other for comfort & others for support. We are here for you

Love always
Ali-cat